One Word Wednesday (on a Thursday)

Yesterday was crazy, so I didn’t end up writing my One Word Wednesday resolution update… BUT it was probably one of my most successful days as far as actually being content that I’ve had in a long time. I say that’s a win. So here’s how the day went (which by the way relates entirely to One Word Wednesday as it was Adaleigh’s kidney appointment and that hanging over my head was a huge cloud on my contentment):

1) Wake up and get around… Actually on time. Talk about a good start to the day! 🙂
2) Take the boys to my moms, then head out ourselves.

My sweet little girl all ready to go! :)

My sweet little girl all ready to go! 🙂

3) Quickly enjoy a nice Mickey D’s breakfast too… Yet another good start to the day!
4) Drive, drive, drive.
5) Find a parking spot. Yes, this was an adventure, but it ended in a beautiful way. The hospital has a parking lot and garage that provide free parking. Both were completely full. As we were leaving the garage a bit down about having to find a place to pay for parking, we saw people walk out right ahead of us. They loaded in their car and left, opening up a great spot. Maybe it’s silly, but it made both Corey and I feel like if God can take care of something as small as a parking spot, he can surely take care of our little girl.
6) Head to her appointment, check in, and wait.
7) The moment of truth… Finally getting some answers…

First off, the doctors we saw both made me feel so comfortable and like we were in good hands. That means so much. I was so thankful, because it may seem like a small thing, but the doctor you have truly can make such a difference. Pretty much right away they told us what was up.

In medical terms, Adaleigh has a duplication of her left renal collection system. The upper pole of her left kidney is obstructed, likely due to an ureterocele. There also may be reflux happening to add to the problem.

So what does that mean? From what I understand, her left kidney is divided into two parts. One “tube” so to speak drains the top 1/3 of her kidney to her bladder, and another drains the lower 2/3. The tube to the top 1/3 is blocked. This is causing her left bladder to be severly swollen with urine. Because of the blockage, it’s also possible that urine is flowing back up the working tube.

The good news is all of this is completely fixable. The less good news is that it does need fixed. We have an appointment March 10th for some testing to be sure that this is what is going on and to evaluate how severe it is. If it is extremely severe, she will likely need surgery right away. If not, we will likely wait to have surgery until she is closer to a year old, as it is a major procedure.

It is all a little scary, but mainly I feel really blessed to finally have some answers, and to know my little girl will most likely be okay.

8-end of the day) Get some food, get the boys, and enjoy my family! 🙂

Brother misses sissy while he was at grandma's. Not to mention it melts this mom's heart to see him being so sweet with her!

Brother misses sissy while he was at grandma’s. Not to mention it melts this mom’s heart to see him being so sweet with her!

All in all, it sincerely was a good day. I feel content. My little Adaleigh is being watched out for, and so is the rest of my family. Even though there are little stresses and all of that, it’s okay. I’m okay. Life is good.

And I will update on all of my resolutions soon (maybe next week’s One Word Wednesday?!)! 🙂

One Word Wednesday: A Journey in Contentment

Part of why I started this blog was so I would have a place to document my progress in regards to what I felt called should be my word of 2014- contentment. Way back on January 1 I posted that I had a number of New Year’s Resolutions, but the biggest was this contentment thing, and so I was hoping to have “One Word Wednesdays” to force me to be accountable. Ha. Like so many resolutions, life got busy and my focus on contentment got pushed to the side. Don’t get me wrong- I still kept up (somewhat, even if not as much as I’d have liked) with my paper journal. I just failed at the whole accountability part. And well, really forcing myself to take a journey towards contentment instead of just finding some cute quotes and thoughts to joy down in my notebook. 

Plus, I’m going to be honest- the past couple months have been pretty rough. 

And by rough, yes, I mean the first world, pampered, privileged version of rough, but whatever. It’s still rough to me, so I’m not going to belittle my own feelings. And some of it IS big- like my little girl being sick (short story for anyone unaware- Adaleigh had frequent UTI’s around Christmas and the beginning of January, which led to us getting a renal ultrasound. The ultrasound showed she has kidney abnormalities, and we have an appointment February 19th with a pediatric eurologist to see just what that means and what our options are) and my husband has no job. But regardless of rather or not the happenings in my life and the feelings I have as a result are big deals in the big picture or not, I’ve been struggling. And well, I HATE struggling… And hate admitting it even more. 

I wish I could pinpoint the moment in my life that I stopped being content with who I was and secure through Christ and began looking to others for my self-worth, feeling not good enough, and being sure I was a failure. Yep, maybe a little dramatic, but those have been the feelings plaguing me, especially as of late. If I could pinpoint that moment, I would go back in time and slap that version of me silly and tell her to get a grip. 

Instead, she took over. 

I know it’s crazy. I know I should be happy with who I am- I have an absolutely beautiful life and have an even more beautiful Savior. Why in the world can’t I just snap out of it?!

Maybe my pinpoint moment happened when my baby girl was born- everyone knows new mamas have out of control emotions. On top of that, we had some other big life changes going down at the same time relating to careers, finances, and even our social lives. Recently there’s been even more going on with Addie’s health problems, some crazy debit card fraud that hit our bank account pretty hard, and some unspecified events that hurt my feelings worse than they’ve been hurt in a long time and made a place I used to love a place that I now somewhat dread. It hasn’t been pretty, and I feel like it just keeps piling on. 

So I’m not sure if that’s when it started, but there’s a pretty good chance that if it didn’t START there, it was made much, much worse at that point. I guess that’s what happens when you make the word of your year contentment. 🙂 But in all seriousness, I WANT to just snap out of it. I want to shrug it off, to be confident in Christ, and to know that I am okay and will be okay. I sincerely am trying. But for some reason I’m stuck. I’m stuck, and I quite frankly am tired of pretending I have it all together and that it’s all okay. I’m sick of feeling like I have to be what it my mind equates to fake because no one truly wants to deal with real emotions and my perceived shortcomings. (Which, speaking of, WHY do women do that?! Why do we feel the need to be less… Scratch that, MORE than who we are, just to get approval from a bunch of people that probably don’t care that much anyway?! I think that’s a HUGE downside to social media, although there is something to be said about it forcing people to look at the positives in their lives. But anyway… That’s kind of off topic and a whole separate tangent I won’t get into right now!) I want to be real. I want to be ME. Failures, shortcomings, insecurities, and worries. Successes, blessings, joy, and peace. ME. 

So that’s what I’m working on for my One Word Wesnesday. My journey to contentment is focusing on my journey of being me, as Christ made me. To focus bettering myself in Christ’s eyes instead of everyone else’s.  Maybe by being better at being 100% me, as Christ made me, I can be more content, even with all the craziness in my life. 

Please pray for me and my family and send happy thoughts… And I will try to update again next Wednesday! 🙂

 

When I’m Not Enough

Well, today I have something to write about that falls in the “other” category so here I am.

My little baby girl is sick.

It breaks my heart.

And I feel like I’ve failed her.

I feel like I’m not enough of a mom and I must have done something wrong that made her get sick. Maybe she wouldn’t be sick if we stayed home more. Maybe I’m not dressing her in enough layers. Maybe- and this is the big one- she wouldn’t be sick if I had breast fed her.

My husband was infuriated when I finally voiced this to him. And I’ll be honest, I hate that I feel and think this way. I hate that the world and it’s pushing that it knows what’s best for me and my family has gotten to me at least somewhat. But I can’t help but feel this way.

And it feels horribly awful. It feels like I’ve ASKED for my daughter to be sick. Like I WANT this. It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world, even though I would do literally anything to take her sickness away.

But then I didn’t. I didn’t breastfeed. Yes, I have my reasons. But I could have tried.

Maybe I’m a bad mom. Maybe I hate that I feel like a bad mom for a stupid reason that I logically know had nothing to do with it. Maybe I hate that my husband is angry, my daughter is sick, my son is oblivious and I just want to run away so they all can have a better life without me. Maybe I’m being really dramatic right now but dang it I’m pissed off and depressed and just want to curl in a ball and cry and I shouldn’t feel this way.

I love my kids more than life.

Tomorrow is a new day. So tonight I’m going to pray my baby girl gets better. That I will make the right choices and do the right things. That it will all be okay. That my babies will always know they are my world and I hurt so bad when I know things aren’t perfect for them. That I would literally give them all that I am, even if that’s not enough.

Why does motherhood have to be so painful?

Happy New Year!

And welcome to my new little blog! 🙂

The idea to create this blog has been running in my head for awhile now, and I decided the new year was the perfect time to take the jump! While I’ve loved sharing our house projects and little pieces of our life on Our Forever Home blog, there’s so much more I wanted to write about that I just didn’t feel fit there. I’m not sure how often I actually will update here, but at least it’s here now in case I do!

A big part of why I created this blog too is because of my New Year’s resolutions. Confession- I’ve never, ever done New Year’s resolutions prior to this year. I was even one of those people who thought they were pretty stupid. But, here you go, another confession- I’ve been struggling over the past year with all the crazy changes that went on in our life, and I figured maybe a few New Year’s resolutions may help me learn how to handle those changes and have a better outlook on life.

My biggest resolution? Well, y’all may have heard about the one word resolution trend going on (if not, this post here explains it wonderfully, and actually is what inspired me to take the jump and do it!) and I think it’s a great way to push yourself to grow during the course of a year. Plus, as I was reading the blog I just linked above, I was hit hard by a word that terrified me to death, but that I also knew would push me to become a better person in 2014- CONTENTMENT.

If you read the about section of this page, or have read my original blog, you know that my husband is currently laid off. Contentment is a scary word to make your goal for a year when your husband doesn’t have regular steady income. Heck, it’s a scary thing in general. In the paper journal I’m keeping this year to write my thoughts, feelings, quotes, and so on regarding contentment, I wrote that “it’s like daring God to take away our luxuries. I know that sounds awful, but still. With Corey [my husband] being laid off, it’s a real possibility money will be tight and choices may have to be made.” Plus, there’s so much more than just the financial side of contentment- like self contentment. Wow. Yep, that might be even scarier than financial contentment.

So obviously this is going to be quite the journey for me. And, on top of the paper journal I’m keeping, I plan on having a “One Word Wednesday” on this blog where I will update how my little journey with contement is going every week. No promises I will do awesome staying on top of that, but I will try!

Before I go, I want to share my other resolutions as well. More accountability can’t hurt, right?

Personal Resolutions:
1) Contentment.
2) Spend less time on my phone and Facebook. Goal: get on Facebook no more than three times a day!
3) Do something fun OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE two times a month with the kids.
4) Wear “nice” clothes, do my hair (not just a pony tail!), and put make up on at least 4 days a week.
5) Eat healthier and exercise. Bye bye baby weight!?! (For those of you who are unaware of the time frame- I had our baby girl at the end of September via c-section.)
6) Study my Bible on my own at least 4 days a week.

Family Resolutions
1) Be more frugal.
2) Sunday=Family Fun Day. NO electronics until 8PM. And we will do SOMETHING fun together even ifit’s small like playing a boardgame.
3) Keep reading Tate’s Bible to him every night and saying prayers.
4) Brush teeth EVERYDAY. (Our four year old often forgets, so this one is aimed towards him!)
5) Run a 5K together as a family.
6) Get in a good school routine for Tate.
7) Continue house projects and COMPLETELY FINISH at least one.

There you have it! We will see how we do over the course of the year! 🙂